When you're in a situation with a man that you're instinct tells you is hurtful - leave!
Trying to reason with a man who has intimacy , commitment or hatred of women issues,
who's in the process of pushing you away, is a total waste of time. Once a man has it in his mind that he needs to distance because of his own anxiety, panic, terror or hatred,he will do whatever he has to, to create distance. He may say something so rejecting or hurtful that you may never forget or recover from it. But if you leave when you initially feel offended or hurt, it will just be a flesh wound. If he has the emotional capacity to have and sustain a relationship despite his need to distance he will contact you later to try and repair the mess he made. But dont cling or act needy . Just disappear.
It's in my clinical experience from my working with men as patients that men remember women who just disappear( move on) differently than women who cling or pursue them. Even if the man was the one to cause the break up or provoke her to leave, he will sometimes think about her with regret and longing and ruminate about if he made the right decision. Sometimes he thinks of her as the woman who got away and suffers over his self destructive behavior!
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4 comments:
Hi Rhonda: This advice is brilliant, as I had told you, I was involved with a runner. It's been two months now that he ran away, I didn't pursue him. (On advice from a friend who went through a similar experience, I thought of him as dead, since the person I thought he was really didn't exist!!!) (I was too busy reading your books, Don't Call that Man and The Commitment Cure, I just bought your book "The Dating Cure" to ready before I get out there again. So far, he hasn't contacted me, but if he does it won't matter as I'm stronger! Best Regards, Janet W. (your friend on Facebook)
Thanks Rhonda, You've made me feel better about my walking away from my ex one evening after he put me down verbally and my daughter. This was after a number of other hurtful things he had done.
I didn't contact him for a year. Then he sent me an Xmas card which I stupidly answered. All he wanted was sex and to have the final say by letting me know by e-mail that he was marrying someone whom he'd met over the internet (who wants to live in the UK) whom he hardly knew! This may rebound on him or he may find the constant 'source of supply' that he is looking for after me. When I left he didn't come and find me and apologise he just found someone else. But in reference to one of your other blogs understanding this and what he's really about has been a life saver for me. Thank you.
I've just been dumped and have found your blog and articles really helpful to read, thank you for providing this valuable resource. Re being the "one who got away" I think this is definitely true even when you yourself were dumped. Staying strong at least puts the thought into the other person's head that you are strong, have dignity and that maybe you weren't too dependent on them after all - even if the truth if the total opposite! It's so hard to accept the truth when a relationship is over but by keeping your own counsel at least you don't end up feeling humiliated on top of hurt and shocked. I will do my best to stick to this course of action myself.
I liked the remark Janet said ..they have to be dead to you !
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