Getting your book on Amazon as a self-published author was so confusing. The way to go was with the Amazon Advantage program. The problem is they give you the intructions on Amazon seemed to be addressed for publishers with years of experience. Thrilled that my self-published book was finally going to be on Amazon - I was ready to ship it to wherever Amazon is - in Amazon land, wherever that is. However, the instructions on the order page were so complicated that I could not figure out what they were talking about. If you call Amazon customer service, they cannot help you because they have nothing to do with the Amazon Advantage program so they send you an email with instructions. The emails sent from Amazon Advantage could not answer my questions at all. I almost begged the people at the Amazon Customer Service to help me even though they weren't part of the Advantage office. They were very empathetic and kind but they still could not help me because they were in the customer service office. This was one of the most frustrating experiences I've encountered since I've been an author in the publishing industry in the past 18 years.
It wasn't until my assistant Margarita came over and we both figured it out together - YAY! They were basically asking me to send one copy of my book to some warehouse in Kentucky - why couldn't they just say that?? So we sent it and I'm hoping that my memoir will be ready to be sold on Amazon shortly.
Stay tuned. Please read my daily updates on twitter http://twitter.com/RhondaDCTM.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Setbacks
It's okay to have setbacks now and then. The trick is to not fall all the way back wards when you have the setback. It's like an alcoholic who's sober and takes a drink. Okay so she takes one drink- the trick is to not go on a bender. Just start counting days again. If you stay away from the person you're trying to get over, you eventually get over them. It's human nature. The brain's memory traces start to erode. That why they say time heals all wounds.
Insanity
Sometimes getting over someone you love, or have deep romantic feelings for is one of the hardest things imaginable. That's why stories about love and loss have existed in literature movies music art throughout civilization.They're universal stories. Everyone can relate. Two movies on my my book recommendation list, Camille Claudell , and The Story of Adele H are true stories and foreign films about women from the 1800s. Both women in different circumstances went insane over the loss of a man. Unfortunately in those days they didnt have self help books, 12 step programs, message boards, antidepressants and psychotherapy as advanced as it is now. Sometimes you have to fight for your sanity which is why it's good not to talk to the person you're trying to let go of if you don't have to.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Analyzing men
Some therapists will tell their women patients that they should only focus on their feelings and not try to analyze the men they are having problems with. I don't agree. I think it is very beneficial for women to understand the psychological dynamics of the men they are in love with.
The first reason is that it helps a woman understand that a man's rejecting or distancing behavior may have nothing to do with her personally but be more about his own personal issues that he's projecting onto her. For instance if he had a mother who was too enmeshed with him when he was a child, he may feel engulfed in a relationship with a woman and distance from her whenever he feels himself getting too close. Or if a man has been rejected and hurt by unavailable women he could be sadistic and reject a woman who he has a connection with and who is in love with him to get her to feel how much pain he has been in with women in the past- this is known as projective identification. This kind of behavior can be very damaging/ sadistic and is tremendously helpful for a woman to understand it rather than take it personally.
Having an understanding of these kind of psychological dynamics can be very empowering and freeing.
It's also important to understand if you are repeating patterns with men. For instance, if you realize that you are dating men with narcissistic features, than understanding these dynamics could give you insight into yourself so that you don't keep making the same choices.
It's in my opinion that when therapists don't want to spend time helping your understand the psychological dynamics of a man you're in love with, and insist you just discuss you're issues and feelings are being controlling and withholding.
Rhonda Findling
The first reason is that it helps a woman understand that a man's rejecting or distancing behavior may have nothing to do with her personally but be more about his own personal issues that he's projecting onto her. For instance if he had a mother who was too enmeshed with him when he was a child, he may feel engulfed in a relationship with a woman and distance from her whenever he feels himself getting too close. Or if a man has been rejected and hurt by unavailable women he could be sadistic and reject a woman who he has a connection with and who is in love with him to get her to feel how much pain he has been in with women in the past- this is known as projective identification. This kind of behavior can be very damaging/ sadistic and is tremendously helpful for a woman to understand it rather than take it personally.
Having an understanding of these kind of psychological dynamics can be very empowering and freeing.
It's also important to understand if you are repeating patterns with men. For instance, if you realize that you are dating men with narcissistic features, than understanding these dynamics could give you insight into yourself so that you don't keep making the same choices.
It's in my opinion that when therapists don't want to spend time helping your understand the psychological dynamics of a man you're in love with, and insist you just discuss you're issues and feelings are being controlling and withholding.
Rhonda Findling
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Be the one who got away
When you're in a situation with a man that you're instinct tells you is hurtful - leave!
Trying to reason with a man who has intimacy , commitment or hatred of women issues,
who's in the process of pushing you away, is a total waste of time. Once a man has it in his mind that he needs to distance because of his own anxiety, panic, terror or hatred,he will do whatever he has to, to create distance. He may say something so rejecting or hurtful that you may never forget or recover from it. But if you leave when you initially feel offended or hurt, it will just be a flesh wound. If he has the emotional capacity to have and sustain a relationship despite his need to distance he will contact you later to try and repair the mess he made. But dont cling or act needy . Just disappear.
It's in my clinical experience from my working with men as patients that men remember women who just disappear( move on) differently than women who cling or pursue them. Even if the man was the one to cause the break up or provoke her to leave, he will sometimes think about her with regret and longing and ruminate about if he made the right decision. Sometimes he thinks of her as the woman who got away and suffers over his self destructive behavior!
Trying to reason with a man who has intimacy , commitment or hatred of women issues,
who's in the process of pushing you away, is a total waste of time. Once a man has it in his mind that he needs to distance because of his own anxiety, panic, terror or hatred,he will do whatever he has to, to create distance. He may say something so rejecting or hurtful that you may never forget or recover from it. But if you leave when you initially feel offended or hurt, it will just be a flesh wound. If he has the emotional capacity to have and sustain a relationship despite his need to distance he will contact you later to try and repair the mess he made. But dont cling or act needy . Just disappear.
It's in my clinical experience from my working with men as patients that men remember women who just disappear( move on) differently than women who cling or pursue them. Even if the man was the one to cause the break up or provoke her to leave, he will sometimes think about her with regret and longing and ruminate about if he made the right decision. Sometimes he thinks of her as the woman who got away and suffers over his self destructive behavior!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Don't Call That Man during a bad economy
If you've been hit by the bad economy
Don’t Call That Man!
If you're nervous about losing your job, have been laid off, lost money in your investments or your 401k,
this is not the time to cave and call your ex or a man you've decided to let go of!
WHY?
What if your call with him upsets or even devastates you and then you have to cope with an extra problem?
What if he tells you he's with someone else ?
What if he blows you off?
What if he acts warm and supportive and then you still have to just say good bye because you're not together anymore? You'll have to start the process of detaching all over again.
You don't want to end up having more problems than you started out with.
Instead focus on you and your present financial challenges, work or career.
Don't use him as a "fix" to distract you.
Utilize your friends, colleagues and family for emotional support.
Be proactive
Think positively, and
Don't Call That Man!
Don’t Call That Man!
If you're nervous about losing your job, have been laid off, lost money in your investments or your 401k,
this is not the time to cave and call your ex or a man you've decided to let go of!
WHY?
What if your call with him upsets or even devastates you and then you have to cope with an extra problem?
What if he tells you he's with someone else ?
What if he blows you off?
What if he acts warm and supportive and then you still have to just say good bye because you're not together anymore? You'll have to start the process of detaching all over again.
You don't want to end up having more problems than you started out with.
Instead focus on you and your present financial challenges, work or career.
Don't use him as a "fix" to distract you.
Utilize your friends, colleagues and family for emotional support.
Be proactive
Think positively, and
Don't Call That Man!
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